FMA Fairy Tales
by kittypirate17
Summary: Decided to make a series out of popular fairy tales and FMA put together. Now doing nursery rhymes too!
1. Little Red Riding Elric

Little Red Riding Elric

Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist

A/N: For my best friend Val with love.

Prologue:

"Tell me again why I have to be Little Red Riding hood?" asked Edward Elric as he was going over kittypirate17's script for her latest fanfiction.

"Because you are short and wear a red coat with a hood on it." said kittypirate17 while she wrote most of the cast except for the homunculi in the story.

"It's not so bad brother…" said Alphonse as he was adjusting his head "It's not like she didn't write you in at all."

"I AM NOT SHORT!" screamed Edward while kittypirate17 shoved milk in his open mouth. "What the hell are you trying to do to me woman?! I despise milk!"

"That is probably why you are so short; your bones need to grow."

"Okay that is it bitch!" said Ed as he summoned his hand blade.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." said kittypirate17 "One snap of my fingers, and all the fangirls will come pouring in along with the Mary Sues."

"For the love of…" Edward began, and then he sighed "Fine, I will do it."

"Wise choice." kittypirate17 gleamed.

Story:

It was a sunny day at the Elric house when grandmother Izumi called to tell them that she was ill and would like to see Edward. Trisha prepared some goodies in a picnic basket and Edward put on his red hood and waited for his mother to give him the picnic basket. "Now, Edward, be careful for the wolf that has been killing state alchemists in the woods."

"Yes, Mom." said Edward as he made his way down the trail, where Winry was there a few feet from his house.

"If you go poo-poo, don't wipe with poison ivy!" Trisha waved.

"MOM! That only happened once when I was five! I have more common sense now!" he blushed as Winry giggled.

"I take it that Granny Izumi's sick today so you are bringing her some goodies." said Winry.

"Yeah, I guess so." said Edward while he was walking at a fast pace.

"Not until I check your automail, mister!" said Winry.

"There is no time for that! I have to get to Grandma's house now!" said Edward as he ran down the path.

Lurking in the bushes, the big bad wolf thought_ this is delicious! The Full Metal Alchemist is within my grasp!_ he quietly followed him until the time was right. Edward met Alphonse the woodsman about half way through the forest. "Hello there, brother!" said Alphonse as he was looking at the axe. "How are you doing?"

"To tell you the truth, I don't know why I agreed with the author to do this…"

"Fangirls and Mary Sues!" said kittypirate17 with her fingers in the snapping position.

"Oh yeah, now I remember." said Edward with his face turning blue.

"Are you off to Izumi's house?" asked Alphonse.

"Yeah. Do you want me to bring her something?" said Edward.

"No just wondering."

Izumi was at home hacking up more blood today. Her husband was assisting her in and out of bed all day. Izumi got cold and he went out to get more firewood, but he had been gone for quite a while now. "What is taking that man so long?" she said to herself. She heard a knock at the door and said "Come on in Edward!" However, Edward did not come in, instead, the wolf came in. Scar had on his normal outfit, but the had flung a piece of fur over his head. "Oh my lord! You are one ugly chimera aren't you?"

"I am not a chimera; I am Scar, the killer of state alchemists!" he said as he gobbled her whole. He patted his belly, put on Izumi's clothes, and waited for Full Metal to show up. He had partly hoped that he would not come for a while so the husband and Izumi digested.

When Edward had made it to Grandma Izumi's house, he was relieved to have made it in one piece without being attacked by the big bad wolf. He walked in the house to find that Scar was in his grandma's bed and clothes. "Okay this is just getting ridiculous!" he said to kittypirate17. "Why is Scar the big bad wolf?!"

"Because he so graciously volunteered." she said. "Now shut the hell up and stick with the story."

"Grrrr." growled Edward as he approached Scar with a halfhearted smile. "Why Grandma, what big ears you have!"

"All the better to hear you with, Full Metal"

"What big hands you have!" he falsely gleamed.

"All the better to grope you with, Full Metal."

"WH- WHAT?!" stopped Edward.

"I mean all the better to choke the life out of you, Full Metal." Scar blushed.

"What big teeth you have!" Edward reluctantly continued.

"All the better to eat you with, Full Metal!" he said as he swallowed him whole. "You taste like shrimp, Full Metal." he teased.

Alphonse burst though the door to find that Scar was molesting a life size doll of his brother. Winry was right behind him with her automail gear. Alphonse lifted his axe, cut open the wolf's belly, and got Edward, Izumi and her husband out. Part of Edward's automail arm had been digested, so Winry put another one on him. The wolf ran away, leaving his intestine behind.

Epilogue:

"Thank you so much for doing this for me guys!" said kittypirate17.

"No problem!" said Alphonse. "At least you paid us!"

"We got paid?" said Edward "Why didn't you say so? I would have done anything for money."

"OH ISHBAL DON'T GIVE HER ANY IDEAS!" screamed Scar while he was sewing up his stomach.

"So when do we get paid?" asked Edward.

"I already gave the payment to Alphonse. You both should like it very much." kittypirate17 said as she walked out of the door.

"So where is our money, Al?"

"She didn't pay us in money, Ed."

"What did she pay us with?" asked Ed.

"Kitties!" he opened himself up to reveal two adult cats and eight kittens. "That's funny; she gave us two adult cats."

"EWWW! They made babies in you!" said Ed.

"Where do babies come from, brother?" asked Al.

"You don't know?!" screamed Ed. "Remember when Hughes' wife had their second child when we were over?"

"We never got around to discussing that sort of thing…"

"Well, Alphonse it is very simple…" began Winry.

"Could you and Winry demonstrate for me brother?" asked Alphonse.

"CURSE YOU KITTYPIRATE17!"


	2. CinderEdward

Cideredward

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA

Prologue:

"Do you really thing that I would do you stupid stories after what you did last time?" said Edward with a coy smile.

"I do admit that the cats making babies in your brother was wrong, but I can't help myself." said kittypirate17 apologetically. "If I do not do some bad things everyday, then my alter ego will come out and do worse things."

"Your alter ego?" asked Edward.

"Yaoi Girl." said kittypirate17 "she is a superhero of yaoi fangirls and my boyfriend turns into Yuri Boy."

"Okay… So what is the next fairy tale you are going to screw over?" said Edward.

"Cinderella." said kittypirate17 with a gleam in her eyes.

"Wait, you are not getting me in that dress!" said Edward

"You will do it or.."

"Or what? You will send the fangirls and Mary Sues after me? Are'nt you a Mary Sue too?"

"Mary Sues are people who write themselves in their own fanfics with extraordinary powers and no weaknesses. I do write myself in my fics, but not often and when I do, I am just me, not some wanna be noob."

"I see." said Edward.

"Why was I the grandma in your last fic?" growled Izumi. "I'm not old at all!"

"Why were we written out?" asked the homoculi.

"The last story was too short to put you all in. But this time I promise I will put most of the cast in." assured kittypirate17

Story:

The evil stepmother looked in misguided pleasure as CinderEdward had his butt in the air as he was scrubbing the kitchen floor. She waited until CinderEdward got close enough and she kicked him over. "You call that clean?!" she hissed as she knocked over a vase and the dirt spilled out. "Do it again."

There was a knock at the door, it was Prince Roy's messenger, Hughes. "There is to be a royal ball this Saturday at the palace. All eligible maidens are to attend." said Hughes as he passed her the envelope. "And my beautiful daughter Elisa will be attending also!" said Hughes gleefully as he pulled out pictures of his daughter. "Doesn't she look so cute in that dress I bought her?"

"No." said the evil stepmother as she slammed the door in his face. "Girls! Get down here now!" she screamed up the stairs. The two evil stepsisters ran down the stairs and tripped halfway down. "You two are so moronic sometimes." said the stepmother.

"But Mama Hoho!" said Gluttany . "Envy's big feet keep getting in the way!"

"Well, if your fat ass can move faster, then that wouldn't be a problem would it?" sneered Envy.

"Shut up, both of you!" yelled Mama Hoho (Hohenhiem). "Now what we will need to do is figure out what to wear! Prince Roy is so fine, not just any old outfit is going to work. We need the perfect outfit. I know! MINISKIRTS!"

"Hold it right there kittypirate17!" said Edward as he threw down the mop.

"What is it now?" asked kittypirate17 annoyed.

"First off, my father as the evil stepmother and Gluttony and Envy as the stepsisters. And now this! There is no way in Hell I will work for you anymore if I have to see Gluttony in a miniskirt! That is just so wrong!" said Edward as he was holding his mouth to keep the vomit in.

"Okay fine. Now back to the story." said kittypirate17.

"No Mama! My fat will fall out and make people sick!" whined Gluttony.

"Good point." said Mama Hoho as she was trying to wash away the image of Gluttony is a miniskirt.

"Excuse me, but do I get to go?" said a shy CinderEdward.

"You? Go to the ball? HAH!" said Envy as she picked up CinderEdward's rags. "The invitation said that every eligible _maiden_ not ragamuffin."

"What makes you think that the Prince will choose you over my lovely daughters?" said Mama Hoho.

When Saturday arrived, the palace was buzzing with activity. The servents were busy decorating, baking, cleaning, and making the Prince's outfit for the ball. The Prince sat alone on the throne being bored out of his mind. His favorite servant, Riza was next to him and said "So what kind of woman are you looking for, your highness?"

"I don't know what I want." said the Prince.

At Mama Hoho's house, the girls were getting ready for the ball. Gluttony was wearing a trash bag decorated with flowers and bows (it was the only thing that would fit), much to Mama Hoho's dismay. Envy was wearing a pink halter top with a black leather miniskirt.

"What did I say about the miniskirts?!" yelled Edward.

"You said you didn't want to see _Gluttony_ in a miniskirt. but you didn't say anything about _Envy_" kittypirate17 smiled.

"Crap, you got me there. Now back to the story." said Edward.

Mama Hoho was in an elegant blue gown with glitter. The neck dropped down to the middle of the thorax. She was in matching shoes and had a blue handbag. "CinderEdward, you are to stay home and clean until your fingers bleed."

"Yes, maim" said CinderEdward. When the carriage arrived to take the three to the ball, Envy shot CinderEdward a look that said "Soon, the Prince will choose me." While Cinder Edward was washing dishes, which were all broken due to Gluttony eating them, There was a bright white light coming from the garden. CinderEdward went outside to see what was going on, and when the light faded he saw…

"Wrath?" said CinderEdward. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm your fairy godmother, stupid." said Wrath as he pulled at the pink tutu and the white spandex. "Who did you expect, Liza Minnelli?"

"No, but I was expecting someone like Winry or Rose." said CinderEdward, disappointed.

"Well, you got me so deal with it." said Wrath while he was searching for his wand. "First order of business is to get you something to wear." Wrath waved his wand and suddenly they were in Dolce and Gabana clothing store. As they were browsing in the dress aisle, Wrath squeeled and picked up a dress that went down to CinderEdward's thighs. It was red with a V- neck . With a wave of his wand, they were back home in an instant. "Hmm." said Wrath as he was looking at CinderEdward's feet. "You need some slippers for you feet." He then waved his wand again and the slippers were there.

"Wait a minute! These slippers are just cardboard and paper mache!" said CinderEdward.

"Sorry, the glass slippers were copyrighted. Just don't get them wet or the magic will disappear." Wrath looked around and said "You can't go to the ball without someone to drive you." With a flick of his wand, Wrath made a grape carriage with Izumi the driver and Black Hayate pulling the carriage. "Hi Mommy!" said Wrath as he jumped up to give her a hug, but she punched him out of the way.

"Go home now, Wrath! You are in big trouble mister!" she snapped. "Dolce and Gabana called the house to tell me that you were stealing again! No alchemy for two months!" her expression softened as she spoke to CinderEdward. "Time to go to the ball! Hop in!"

The palace fell silent as the unknown stranger walked in wearing a red dress and tacky slippers. Mama Hoho and her daughters were trapped in jealousy as the stranger walked up to the Prince and gave a dignified bow. "Please excuse me for the intrusion, your highness." she said "But please permit me to enjoy the festivities with you and your guests." The Prince was captured in awe as he gazed upon the glorious lady. Dirty blonde hair, golden eyes, metal arm and leg, and the most beautiful smile he had ever seen.

"You may join us in the celebration." said Prince Roy "On one condition."

"Name it." said CinderEdward.

"You marry me at once." persisted the Prince.

"Not if I have anything to do about it!" screamed Mama Hoho. "Gluttony, eat that dress, now!" Gluttony ran towards CinderEdward, mouth watering and appetite raging.

"Enough of this violence! Guards! Seize the three wenches and throw them in the dungeon!" Prince Roy yelled out.

"Yes sir!" said Riza as she pointed her pistol at the three. The rest of the guards surrounded the three, but they would not budge. Gluttony began eating people and Envy turned into Elisa, but Hughes grabbed her and smothered her with hugs and kisses. Mama Hoho jumped from one body to the next.

"STOP!" yelled Prince Roy as a red lighting bolt ran out of his fingers. "You must leave at once! You are herby banished from this kingdom forever!"

Gluttony was finally close enough to drool all over the slippers, and the magic was gone, and the rags were all that CinderEdward wore. "This is who I really am, your highness! A little ragamuffin who works her hands to the bone and gets no compensation!" The guests gasped at the sight of the rags and the dirty little girl. The Prince's expression remained the same for a moment, then a smile ran across his face.

"You are exactly what I want! I don't care if you really are a man, but seeing you in that dress made me sweat like a stallion!" The entire room was staring blankly at the Prince with sweat drops on the back of their heads. Even the guards were taken aback. "CinderEdward, you are so humble to come dressed as you are, and that is exactly what I want with my life! I never wanted to rule a kingdom or be rich, all I ever wanted was to be happy. Seeing you like that has made me realize: that I want to live in poverty with only you!" he swept CinderEdward off of his feet and kissed him long and hard. The next day, they were married, moved to the countryside, built a farm and worked the land and had hot blonde haired, black eyed flame throwing babies.

Epilouge:

"Well I'm glad that's over." said Roy Mustang as he dropped Edward on the ground with a thump.

"What was that for?!" said Edward as he was getting up.

"For making me lean forward so much to kiss you." shuttered Roy.

"Just what exactly are you incinuating?" said Edward.

"That you are short. What else would I be making fun of you for?"

Just then, the author walked in, wearing a white tank top with a big "Y" on it. "Here comes Yaoi Girl to the rescue! With my magical Yaoi Staff, I will fix this situation with yaoi goodness!"

"Oh damn." said Edward.

Yaoi Girl extended her hand which had an envelope in it. "This is from my host! She says it is you payment!" she screeched.

"Hey it's actually money this time!" laughed Edward. "Screw you guys, I'm going to the casino!"

"Just wait until he finds out that money's from the board game monopoly!" said Yaoi Girl, who was changing back into kittypirate17.

"What the hell happened to me?" asked kittypirate17 as she woke up from the daze.

"I have no idea." said Roy. "If you excuse me, I am going to make out with your best friend."

"Have fun!"

Meanwhile, Edward was winning at the black jack table. All of the ladies were crouding around him to see if they could steal some of his cash. When he went to go cash in on his winnings, the man behind the counter laughed and said "You have got to me kidding me. This is just monopoly money kid!"

"I WILL GET YOU, KITTYPIRATE17!" Edward screamed to the high heavens.


	3. Roy Mustang and the Seven Dwarfs of PMS

Roy Mustang and the Seven Dwarfs of PMS

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA or any Disney related stories.

Prologue:

"Roy Mustang and the Seven Dwarfs of PMS?" asked Edward. "Who in the world is gonna read this crap?" he said as he scratched his head.

"Somebody reads this crap! Just look at all the reviews we're getting!" said kittypirate17 with her arms waving in the air.

"So who is playing what?" asked Alphonse.

kittypirate17 handed them a list of the characters, which reads like this:

**Dwarfs:**

Itchy: Lust

Bitchy: Envy

Bloated: Gluttony

Whiney: Wrath

Grumpy: Greed

Sleepy: Sloth

Crazy: Pride

**Snow White: Roy Mustang**

**Evil Queen: Edward Elric/Alphonse Elric**

**The Prince: Riza Hawkeye**

"Why am I Crazy?!" said Pride.

"Because you killed your own son who was only thinking of you, short stack!"

The other homunculi began to snicker while Pride turned red. "Who are you calling short stack?!"

"Honey, at least I not supposed to have a penis. If you were ever to come out of the closet and admit you are gay, please stay in. Your sense of fashion is horrible at best." kittypirate17 put bluntly.

"Why are there two people playing the evil queen?" asked Wrath

"Because Edward is way too short to do it alone."

"Will you stop calling me short already?!"

Story:

Snow White was a shy girl, who used to be a princess until the evil queen came, orphaned her, and took the throne for herself. Now she was a lowly servant girl who worked her hands to the bone everyday for not even a simple "thank you." She could easily kill the queen, but there would be retaliation from the guards. Therefore, she just did as she was told day in and day out. without resistance.

One day, the queen grew tired of her existence and had made plans to have her slain. She then ordered Snow White to go into the forest and pick berries for the night's pie. One of the queen's archers was positioned on the parapet overlooking the forest, and he obediently shot at Snow White. The first arrow landed at Snow White's feet, then as she ran, the grey frock she was in had been destroyed with the many holes the arrows created. With her feet worn out, her body on the brink of exhaustion, she searched for shelter from the bitter cold of the night.

She then stumbled upon a large cave, where she saw a campfire lit, and the scent of fresh meat being cooked. With her eyes almost shut, she ran into the cave and looked around to see sleeping bags full of little people. The large one had a piece of meat left on a stick in which she had used to cook it. She crept closer, closer until the meat was in arm's reach, and she gently lifted up the stick and pulled off the meat. She was about to put it in her mouth when the large one had woke up and had sprung on top of her, wrestling her for that shred of meat in her palm.

With all of the commotion going on, all but one of the little persons had been woken up, and they were not too happy about it. "Let Bloated eat her! Then we all can go back to sleep." said a green haired one.

"Bitchy! I'm hungry! Get me some food!' screamed the littlest one.

"Shut up, Whiney!" said the one with the sharpest teeth. "Or I will take all of the meat for myself!"

"That is not nice, Grumpy!" said the only female that was awake while she was scratching her behind.

"Someone go wake up Sleepy!" yelled the little man with the eye patch.

"But it would take forever to wake her up, Crazy!" said Whiney.

"I don't give a damn! Do it now!" yelled Crazy.

"I don't see the point of waking a lazy woman from her sleep," said Grumpy as he folded his arms "too troublesome if you ask me."

"Hey, I know what we can do to her that we would all enjoy!" said Bitchy with an evil grin.

"kittypirate17!" yelled Mustang.

"WHAT?!" said an annoyed kittypirate17.

"I know where exactly where this is going! Do not do it!" he yelled.

"Good I'm glad you know where this is going!"

"But Bitchy!" cried Whiney "We ran out of lube two weeks ago!

Snow White's face went as white as a ghost upon hearing this. What were those mongrels going to do with her beautiful virgin body? In the distance, she heard heavy paw clops. Excited, she looked to see Prince Riza appear with her hound, Black Hayate. "Unhand her, vile creatures!" he shouted as he sent the hound upon them. Envy had used his transformation powers to confuse the dog to think that he was truly his master.

"Envy! No using homunculus powers!" kittypirate17 said. "Bad Envy! No man sex for you! Bad!"

"Damn!" Envy cursed as he slammed his fist against the cave wall.

They had completely forgotten about Bloated and Snow White on the ground, and Snow White had bitten into the meat, which was poisoned by the evil queen as she watched from the magic mirror. Her breath slowed to a halt, eventually stopped altogether while she felt the coldness of death upon her. The dwarfs all looked in sorrow at Snow White, while the Prince rushed to her side to examine the blue corpse. A tear dropped from the side of the Prince's face, for even in death, she was the most beautiful creature that he had ever laid eyes upon. He leaned over to give her a stolen kiss, but then, a girl rushed in and dropped kicked the Prince in the face.

"Val?" asked kittypirate17. "What are you doing here?"

"I am protecting my man!" she declared proudly. "How could you do this to me kitty?" she asked as her eyes teared up.

"I thought you would like this paring. Please forgive me!" kittypirate17 got down and begged for forgiveness from her best friend, whom she loves dearly.

"Well, they are a cute paring. You are forgiven. Carry on." said Val.

"You kind of killed Riza with that drop kick. Wanna fill in for her?" asked kittypirate17.

"You know me like a book, don't you kitty?" said Val as she scratched kittypirate17's chin.

The Prince lowered his head as far as it would go. "I knew we were meant to be the first moment I saw you in the forest. Please, wake up and be my bride." he said as he tenderly kissed her icy lips. Soon, warmth came back to her body as she put her arms around his neck and they embraced. That very day, they were wed, and a curse was put upon Snow White by the evil queen, that fused together the dwarfs into her body. After they had twenty children, things were okay, however, once a month, the demon would come out.

"I had a hard day at work, honey." Proclaimed the Prince.

"Do you even know what happened at this house today?!" screamed Snow White. "You don't love me anymore!" she cried. "Those chicken wings are mine!" she said as she grabbed the bucket of KFC, with her family staring at her. "Are you saying I'm fat?!" she yelled. "Fine! I'm going to go to bed!" she stormed off. Halfway to the bedroom, she scratched herself, fell down, and went to sleep.

Epilogue:

"Well, that's a wrap! Thank you everyone!" said kittypirate17 as she was handing out a payment to people.

"No way." said Edward as he set the envelope on fire.

"Fine suit yourself." she said as she walked away.

"You know Full Metal, that money was real this time." said Mustang.

"Prove it." said Edward.

Mustang pulled out cash from his envelope and smirked. "You are so fucked now."

"Brother…" said Alphonse. "That had both of our payments in there. Start running!"


	4. Thumbelina

Thumbelina

Disclaimer: I do not own Thumbelina or FMA

Prologue:

"Hell no." said Edward from the shower. "Wait what the hell are you doing in the bathroom?!" he said as he pulled the curtain to cover his no-no area.

"Just enjoying the view." kittypirate17 blushed.

"You are a sick pervert, you know that?!" he screamed.

"You really should go shirtless more often, you look good like that."

"Out!" he tried to throw the soap at kittypirate17, but it slipped out of his hands onto the floor.

"Here's the deal, if you do this for me I won't yell to Heindric that you need assistance in the shower."

"That won't work on me! HAH!" smiled Edward.

"Okay, if you do this for me, I won't have to call Winry to make you new automail."

"I don't need new automail right now."

"I meant for the place that I would chop off."

"You can't do that to me! I'm a super sexy bishie!"

"Do you know how much I would get on EBay for the wang of a sexy bishie such as yourself?"

"I will do it. Just so you don't get so filthy rich that you stop writing all together."

kittypirate17 gasped "Stop writing all together?!" she smacked Edward "I would never stop writing!"

Story:

When Trisha Elric was twenty years old, she was diagnosed with cervical cancer, and told that she would never have any children. For the next two years, she mourned and tended to her garden as if the flowers were her babies. One day, she noticed two unusual red flowers with silver thorns. She thought nothing of them at first, but when they bloomed, two tiny children popped out.

"Holy Hell!" she screamed as she reached for the weed whacker.

"No, Mama!" said the one with the lighter blonde hair. "We were sent by Central to be your children!"

"Why are you two so tiny?" asked Trisha as she held out her hands to allow the boys to climb up.

"We were premature." said the dirtier blonde-haired person "I am Alphonse, and this is Edward."

"I wonder if you two are atomically correct…" said kittypirate17 while picturing possible Elricest.

"Please continue with the story…" said Alphonse.

"So, how the hell did you boys come to be?" asked Trisha

"Well," Edward blushed "When Papa Hoho fell in love with a plant chimera; they had relations and thus produced us. Scar had killed the chimera before we could be born, so Papa Hoho put us into your flowers to grow and blossom."

"You mean that he…in my flower bed?" said Trisha with a disgusted look.

"Yep, pretty much." said Alphonse.

For the next three years, the boys helped their mother out in the garden, by using alchemy to fend off the rabbits and other plant-eating creatures. They had made a home under the porch and had some rabbit stew for dinner. Then, one night, as they were watching the fireflies, they saw some fairies flying by and stop at the flowers in the garden.

"Who are you?" asked Edward to the black haired male fairy

"I am the Prince of Fairies!" he declared.

"Stop with the delusions of grandeur already," said a blonde haired female fairy "you are nothing more than the court jester."

"Must you be so mean to me, Riza?" said the black haired fairy as he slumped over in despair.

"I am just speaking the truth" she said.

"Why are you here?" asked Alphonse.

"We are here to warn you of the coming toads that will steal and have their way with little boys such as yourselves."

Just then, the said band of toads came and swept down across the garden and scooped up the brothers and ran off. "What shall we do?" asked the female fairy as she looked to the black haired fairy.

"Premarital sex?" he said and he pulled out a super tiny miniskirt. Riza was blushing as she flew away and contemplated the thought of what would happen in that situation. Mustang followed after her with intent to do things.

"I got the Elric brothers for you! Happy Fucking Birthday! Now where's my cookie?" said Gluttony as he handed the brothers to Envy, who in turn handed Gluttony the entire cookie jar.

"Now, what am I going to do to you? I can do a pretty mean dragon snake, wanna see?" he said as he gently stroked their hair. Edward bit his hand, and in retaliation, Envy punched him in the mouth, knocking out his two front teeth.

Alphonse laughed and said "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth!"

"Shut up Al!" said a strained Edward with his mouth bleeding profusely. "Why did Papa Hoho and Dante have to copulate to create you?"

"Cause that's the only way human babies can be born, moron. Then after the human me died, they created homunculus me." Just then, Trisha burst threw the water with a shotgun in tow.

"Who is planning to violate my babies?!" she asked the female fairy.

"The green haired one and the fat bald one." she said as Trisha raised and cocked the shotgun, pointed it at the ugly toads, and shot until the gun was empty. When the smoke cleared, Trisha had realized her horrible mistake. Not only had she killed the toads, but she had killed her boys also.

"Is this what equivalent exchange is about?" she had asked herself "The deaths of the toads at the cost of my beloved children?" she sobbed.

"So about that premarital sex…"

"Not now, fool. This is getting good!" said Riza as she was eating buttered popcorn.

Therefore, because of her heinous deed, Trisha went to therapy three times a week to cope with the pain, where she met her therapist and future husband, Feury. They had adopted Wrath and Elisa, who were soon to be incarcerated for the act of illegal possession of bud

"Feury?!" yelled Edward "He is at least twice my mom's age and he's too paranoid to be with my mom!"

"I like making up parings that could never work." smiled kittypirate17.

Epilogue:

Feury cringed at the thought of being paired up with Trisha. "I'm sorry, but I wouldn't do your mom if she was the last woman on Earth."

"What so I'm not good enough for you now?!" screamed Trisha.

"That's not what I meant, Mrs. Elric!" sweated Feury. "I meant that you are kind of old for me!"

"So where is our payments?" asked Edward.

"Oh you will not be getting payments anymore…" said kittypirate17.

"Then good riddance to you."

"You will work for me or I will release these pictures of you and Alphonse to the public."

"You don't have any pictures!" said Alphonse as he blushed and tried for the envelope.

"I have plenty of pictures. EdxRoy, EdxAl, EdxHughes, EdxEnvy…"

"Please don't put those out!" begged Edward as he clutched onto her leg. "I don't need the yaoi paparazzi on me more than they already are! You can have all of our souls and command us as you wish for now on (not taking the legal rights away from the author and artists from the manga and anime)!"

"Edward, no!" they all shouted.

"Deal!" said kittypirate17 with misguided glee "Then I guess I won't need these baby pictures of Edward and Alphonse anymore."

"Those were just our baby pictures?!" said Alphonse as he looked at himself on the bearskin rug.


	5. Beauty and the Beast

Beauty and the Beast

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that has to do with FMA or Disney

Prologue:

"Oh yay!" squealed Alphonse with delight. "We are doing my favorite Disney story!"

"I am excited too, Alphonse!" said kittypirate17 as she sat with a pen and paper in her hands. "I will cast you in the role of the beast. However, we need to make a slight adjustment to your costume." She walked around Alphonse sizing him up and deciding what to do.

"What kind of adjustment, kitty?" said Alphonse nervously.

"You do not look beastly enough. What I am going to have Edward do is use alchemy on you and fuse you with the chimera form of Nina and Alexander."

"No!" said Edward as he threw down the giant fan. "I am not using alchemy to fuse my brother with a chimera!"

"Did I tell you to stop fanning me?" said kittypirate17 as she shot him a look of disapproval. "If I remember correctly, you said that you would give me everybody's souls to not post those pictures of you and Alphonse."

"Thanks a lot for that, Edward." said Winry as she was walking past.

"I'll tell you what; you don't have to use alchemy on Alphonse if you don't want to. I will just put him in a machine that will temporarily put the two beings together." said kittypirate17

"Are there any side affects to this machine?" asked Alphonse.

"I don't know, it is still experimental."

"You are not putting my little brother in a machine that you don't know what it will do to him." said Edward.

"Compared to you, he's not so little." smirked kittypirate17. "By the way, I'm casting you as Belle."

"Another dress?" sighed Edward.

"Please step this way, Alphonse." said kittypirate17 as she led them to the machine. "Be very careful stepping in and out. Even the slightest bump can trigger something."

As Alphonse stepped inside, the door shut and lights were going off everywhere. "Activating fusion chamber." said kittypirate17 as she looked up at the machine. "Deactivating fusion chamber." she said as the egg timer went off with a ding.

The creature came forward, it had the looks of the Alexander/Nina chimera, but it was standing on two feet, with its arms hanging down. It had Alphonse's personality and childlike behavior.

"Wait, isn't this story condoning bestiality?" asked Edward as he looked at the array of dresses he would have to wear. "I mean that Belle and the Beast get a little nookie right?"

"Not until after the beast is turned back into the Prince." said kittypirate17 with a disgusted look. "I know I have a sick mind, but not that sick! I support PETA for crying out loud!"

Story:

Belle was an insightful girl, who loved books most of all and the animals that would come around her were never afraid of her. They were afraid of the "macho man" (or so he called himself), Gaston. With his velvety, green hair, his thin, soft lips, and rock hard abs.

"Are you fantasizing about me?" said Envy with a coy smile.

"Yes, now shut up and stick with the story." said kittypirate17, annoyed.

Gaston and Belle were to be wed, but only Gaston was truly in love. Belle was in utter loathing of the man. He was rude, obnoxious and most of all, he was always primping himself in the mirror. Talk about the metro sexual man.

Papa Hoho had become very ill, and required that Belle go up to the abandoned castle to search for medication for his constipation problems. "I swear, if I could only take a dump I could back myself into an old wardrobe."

"We have some hot pockets in the fridge! Eat those and you will be on the toilet for a week!"

"I need to crap, not die!" yelled Papa Hoho.

"The sooner you eat a hot pocket, the sooner I get my inheritance!" yelled back Belle.

"If you don't go to the castle, you won't get an inheritance!" Papa Hoho yelled.

"Fine!" yelled Belle as she packed some food for a trip.

The dark forest was quiet for this time of night. Belle sensed that she was being followed by an assailant, and she made a dash for the castle, which was only a few feet away. She found a hole in the walls that was big enough for her to crawl in, but the pursuer was not so lucky. Gluttony was stuck in the hole, and was struggling to get out. "Sucks to be you fatass!" said Belle as she flipped him the bird.

She walked along the corridor to find a candlestick and a small clock. She took them both and they sprung to life. The clock put his hand in his pocket and dug out pictures of his daughter. "Isn't she so adorable?!" he shoved the pictures in her face.

Then the candlestick said "Hey do you like my length, baby?" he blushed as she blushed too.

"Where is the master of this house?" she asked, trembling.

"I don't know, lets ask the clock where he is." said the candlestick

"I don't know where he is either. However, I know what time it is. Half past a monkey's ass, quarter to its balls."

"Why must you two be so vulgar?" asked Belle as she put her hands to her mouth.

"Well, the candlestick is really Roy Mustang and I am Maes Hughes. A magic spell that was cast upon this house by the witch, Izumi has turned the master and his servants into other things." said Roy.

"POTS! CHIP! COME OUT AND MEET THE LADY!" yelled Maes. In a minute, a small fat teapot and a teacup came hopping along, making clinking noises along the way.

"Mom? Alphonse when he was little?" asked Edward. "How is that even possible?"

"Oh the power of fan fiction my friend." said kittypirate17.

"Why do I look so bloated?!" asked Trisha.

"I needed to put you somewhere."

Then, the master of the house came charging in, with a wilting magnolia in his hands. "Who dares enter my domain?!" he howled.

"Belle of the village below." she shivered "I need laxatives stat!" she said as she remembered why she came here in the first place.

The magnolia was on its last petal when Gaston came out of nowhere riding Gluttony like a pony (get your minds out of the gutter). The beast launched itself at the intruder, knocking him off his horse and chomping down on his throat, killing him instantly. Then the beast began to swagger.

"Brother, I am not feeling well. I fell hot, and my no-no area is all sticky." Alphonse looked at Edward and began to drool and had a crazy look in his eyes. "Hold still brother, this will take some time." Alphonse lunged for his brother's skirt and tried to lift it up. The effects of the machine had worn off, but there was something in his system that was driving him wild.

The last magnolia petal fell, and the beast fell to the floor due to being shot with tranquilizer darts. Belle ran over to the beast and turned him on his back and mounted him to get a better look at him. He was in fact dead. "You saved my future back there." she wept as she leaned over to kiss him. When their lips touched, the beast began to glow pink and the servants began to glow pink, until the glowing stopped and they were human again. However, the prince did not wake up. Belle kissed him again, and they both were turned to stone to be forever kissing the love that was theirs.

The servants took a trip to Vegas where they had lost all of their master's fortune in bets, Papa Hoho was fed up with waiting for Belle to return, so he just ate the entire box of hot pockets and he had a heart attack on the toilet and died. The villagers had received the inheritance money and spent it on building a brothel for the local men.

Epilogue:

Edward tried to pull away from Alphonse, but his grip was so strong, he could not break free. "Alphonse! Let me go!" he heaved.

"But I love you, big brother!" he whined "I love the little big brother too!"

"What did you do to him that was in those tranqs?!" said Winry as she was eating popcorn while enjoying the show.

"Its amazing what a little Spanish fly can do to an alchemist. Coke?" she offered Winry as she passed it along.


	6. Jack and the Beanstalk

Jack and the Beanstalk

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA

Prologue:

"Oh joy." Said Edward as kittypirate17 entered the room. "So why the hell did it take you so long to update FMA Fairytales?"

"Called finals, dickweed." Hissed kittypirate17

"A bit pissy today, kitty?" said Roy with that smirk that annoyed and made her melt at the same time.

"Finals are stressful, especially if you're in college and working at a restaurant." Kittypirate17 cracked her back.

"I see. But that is no reason to take out your anger on us." Said Alphonse.

"It is when some little bitch didn't show up to work and you are the one stuck closing the god forsaken restaurant at 11 o'clock at night and then you got little pricks giving you shit in the morning."

"Well excuse me Princess." Said Edward coyly. Kittypirate17 hit him over the head with a Webster's Dictionary. "What was that for?!"

"Put that in your transmutation circle, bitch." She said as she popped Midol.

"So who's playing what?" said Winry. Kitty handed her the list.

Jack: Edward Elric

Giant: Scar

Jack's Mom: Trisha Elric

Jack's Cow: Alphonse Elric

Guy who sells Jack the magic beans: Roy Mustang

Special Guest: You will have to wait and see for yourselves bitches!

Story:

Jack's family was in ruins. His father left the family, his mother's on her death bed, and the only cow is extremely emaciated. Mother told Jack to take the cow into the market and sell it for something to eat. She also gave him some good advice on other things too.

"Now remember, Billy, playing poker is a lot like making love. It is best done on the table with the opposite gender."

"Is my mom okay, kitty? She is saying some weird things…" asked Edward.

"She is fine, just doped up on the morphine drip is all. It's best to play along with her."

"What ever you say, kitty." Said Edward as he led Alphonse across the lane to the market.

The market was buzzing with activity, people walking and talking to eachother and listening to the band play. Then a strange man wearing rags tapped Jack on the shoulder. "Hey kid, want some candy?" he asked.

The cow jumped up and began yelling "Stranger Danger!" and he bucked the man in the groin area. The man threw the candy at Jack as he limped away.

"Here, eat these and you will grow a few inches, shorty!"

"What did you call me?!" screamed Jack as he tried to run after him, but the cow stood in his way. "Move you dumb cow!" Instead the cow got up on its hind legs and she started squirting milk at him. "Eww! I hate milk!" screamed Jack as he moved out of the way of the flying milk.

"Then promise me that you will not pursue him!" said the cow.

"Okay, I promise." Said Jack reluctantly. "Let's take this candy back to mother and eat it." But the candy was not candy, but three small beans all blue. When they arrived back home, they saw their mother dead on the bed with nothing but her nightgown on.

Jack got so angry that he wasn't there to say goodbye upon his mother's death, that he threw the beans out of the window, and the cow had urinated on them a moment after they landed. The earth shook, and the ground cracked as the giant plant reached for the sky. The thorns on it were so big, that even Mustang was jealous of them. "I guess we have to climb it." Said Jack, forgetting about his dead mother completely. "Maybe there are riches beyond my wildest dreams. Maybe there is danger, maybe I will find something to bring mom back. But how am I going to get up there?" Just then Totosai the sausage vender came by on his flying demon cow.

"I will let you borrow my cow if you let me borrow yours." He told Jack.

"What are you going to do with mine?" Jack asked.

"Something I always wanted to do before I die." Snickered Old Man Totosai.

"Okay!" said Jack as he handed over the cow for the flying one.

"Wait! Don't go! He's going to violate me!" screamed the cow.

"Sucks to be you!" teased Jack as he and the flying cow ascended into the heavens. When they reached the top, they saw a giant castle in the clouds. They heard the giant's booming footsteps going here and there. They crawled closer for a better look, and they saw the scar on the giant's forehead and he stopped and smelled something.

"Fe fi fo fum! I smell the stink of a State Alchemist!" he loomed and he picked up the two and stared at them while he said "Look at what I have here. Fresh meat." His mouth watered and he flicked his tongue with glee. There were three things on the table beneath them. A goose that laid rotten eggs, and harp with broken strings, and a mirror that showed nothing but ugliness.

The cow flew out of the giant's hand and began circling his face, spraying sour milk into his eyes. The giant let go of Jack and he fell onto his knees while screaming about how the milk burns his eyes. While the giant was blinded, Jack climbed up onto the table and grabbed the three objects and ran outside back to the beanstalk and flew down on the cow.

The giant was rolling around in agony and accidentally fell onto the earth with a thud. That was the creation of the very first Sea World, and the giant was the main attraction and he renamed himself Shamoo. None of the objects bought Jack's mother back to life, instead the goose that laid the rotten eggs was used to lay eggs and then Jack would throw them at people. The harp with broken strings was used as fanny floss for the earthbound cow. The mirror that showed nothing but ugliness was the main attraction at the local freak show and it also sells the best trinkets in the gift shop.

After a few weeks of throwing the rotten eggs at people, Jack had been extremely bored and he thought of a new idea. Jack and the cow made a fortune selling the rotten eggs to the practical joke business, but when the goose died three years later, the businessmen stopped calling, Jack's mother's rotting carcass still not buried served as the main source of income by Jack dressing it up like a fairy and putting it on display in front of the house.

Epilogue:

"So what did Totosai do to you while I was up in the sky?" asked Edward.

"He did worse than violate me. He kept tipping me over!" cried Alphonse.

"Hey! My flying cow won't let me tip him!" screamed Totosai as he received his payment in the form of chocolate from kittypirate17. "He just flies away for a few days! Let an old man have some fun!"

A/N: I wrote this in the course of three days. I do not own InuYasha either.


	7. Christmas

An Alchemist Christmas Carol

Disclaimer: I don't own Christmas Carol or FMA

A/N: Ho yeah! I'm back babies!

Prologue:

"You aren't dead!" squealed Alfonse with delight as kittypirate17 walked into the room and plopped down on the couch with her laptop, typing in serene silence. She felt him embrace her and she stopped and smiled at him.

"Oh joy. The devil is back from Hell to deliver us to evil." Sighed Edward as he looked up from the newspaper with the headline reading _Scar and Tsume Long Lost Brothers_. "What punishment do you have for us this time Frauline?" he said sexily as he half closed his eyes and smiled deviously.

"Oh how well put. We are doing A Christmas Carol. Here is the cast list." She handed them a list which read: Peanuts, honey, bananas, condoms and bread. They looked at her disheveled hair and the bags under her eyes were larger than usual and she seemed rather lethargic and depressed. For the first time since he had met her, Edward actually felt sorry for her and comforted her.

"What's the matter?" he said rubbing her back.

"The reasons why I haven't updated this in a long time. A death in the family, the near death of my mother by stroke and the fact that she felt me so unimportant to tell me, that I found out from some bitch I don't even know that well." She grabbed a paper bag and began to breathe slowly. He collected herself together and said "But I am over all of that now." She dug through her bag and found the real list.

Characters:

Scrooge: Edward Elric

Scrooge's Sister: Alfonse

Ghost of Jacob Marley: Scar

Ghost of Christmas Past: Envy

Ghost of Christmas Present: Gluttony

Ghost of Christmas Future: Hughes

Tiny Tim: Wrath

**Story:**

Ebenezer Elric was busy running his alchemy business, so busy that he refused to give his workers the holiday off. He did not believe in God or celebrating someone's birthday that did not exist. The true meaning had been distorted in recent years, so that the corporate monkeys have the upper hand and material items became more important than those that make life worth living. He had lost the one most important to him years ago, and that was when he lost the little faith he had left after his mother had passed away.

Yes, his workers resented him for his actions, but if he had to suffer every holiday for years, then so will they. They could not quit or be fired from the job, because they were chosen for the job, and they had to stick with that job for life. Ebenezer did not like this treacherous lot, but he was stuck with them until they died. Or he died, which ever came first, probably would be him first, since his health was failing him fast. His skin was dangling off the bone, and it was rather ashen in color. He had to run his company like this because he had no children to take over.

He paid his employees lower than minimum wage, and OSHA was riding him like horny hamsters humping in the exercise wheel of the cage. All of the legal proceedings have been taking their toll on his health, and the public had been boycotting his products for ages, so eventually he had to shut down the factories, stop producing supplies meanwhile the workers had no way of surviving without government help.

One night, he was sitting alone in the house of his mother eating some soup when he heard clanking of what seemed to be chains. He looked around like a frightened meercat to see what the matter was. Through the wall of the library where he conducted his research in his youth with his friend and business partner Scar Marley, came his old friend's ghost with chains dangling to the ground. "Full Metal, you will be visited by three ghosts tonight to convince you to change your ways." 

"Wait aren't you supposed to do it?" asked Edward as he took out the script and looked it over quickly. "Ah ha! Yes you are!"

Scar took off the ghost costume and said "kitty, I really wish I can do this, but my bro Tsume and I have a lot of catching up to do." He tossed the costume on the floor and walked out.

"Damn it." Said kitty as she was looking to recast the ghost, but decided to stick it the story as it was.

The Ghost of Christmas Past made his presence quite clear by jumping on Ebenezer's stomach while he was sleeping. "Rise and shine, ya old bastard!" He slapped Ebenezer's face until he woke up. "I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. Grab my butt to go back in time!" Then Envy "accidentally" let one rip when Edwards hand went to grab his butt.

Edward's hand went up to his nose, but it was too late. The scent of butt was already up his nose making its way into his stomach, making it impossible to keep down the soup. When he was finished puking, he rose up and yelled at Envy "You nasty ass! That was gross! My hand was right there!"

Envy smirked and said "I'm sooooo sorry! Uh oh! Here comes round two!" He lifted his leg and pulled it back with his arm as a train whistle escaped his hiney. He smiled as if a big relief had been felt.

"You nasty ass!" Edward grabbed a gas mask and said "What the Hell did you eat?!"

"Beans, onions, eggs, broccoli and cauliflower. All washed down with a bottle of prune juice." He said proudly, counting the items on his fingers each time, and by the end of the list, he had soiled himself. "Okay, okay just take my hand and we will be on our way." Ebenezer had done that and he was at his mother's house with his sister, who was long since dead. He and Alfonse were playing on the snow covered ground when she had started gagging.

"That smell is awful!" she hurled up some meatloaf and green beans from dinner. Her eyes began to water and she ran to the part of the lake that had not yet frozen and stuck her head in.

"Alfonse! Come up for air you twit!" Young Ebenezer screamed as he pulled his sister's head out of the water and gave her unnecessary mouth to mouth. She pushed him off, and fell backward into the water. She was then taken by a polar bear and devoured for supper.

The older Ebenezer had The Ghost of Christmas Past by the collar and said "You are the one who killed my sister! You shall die!"

"How the Hell can you kill a ghost genius?!" he mocked as they were teleported back to the house.

Soon the second ghost came and the fat man said "I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present! Now let me eat your wiener!" he lunged at Ebenezer, or rather past him and at Al who was eating a hot dog with mustard and pickles. Kitty had hit him on the head with a frying pan and he went back to the story.

"Grab this cheap Santa beard to go see the present of your employees!" he said as he smiled. Edward was a bit hesitant to do so.

"You won't throw up one me will you?" he said, timidly.

"No. Come on! I got a batch of cookies to eat when I get home!" Ebenezer took the beard and was transported to the office in the main factory. There his workers toiled endlessly and no shipments were being made. One was clearly sick, down with the fever and coughing up some mucus. "See this is what your employees look forward to every year, noting but sickness and poverty!" They were back at the house and the third ghost appeared to him with pictures of his daughter.

"Isn't she precious?! My little girl is gonna be Brigader General Hughes the second!" he beamed. "She's gonna have nine kids and make me the worlds happiest grandfather! I'm gonna spoil them rotten and even give them a little scare every now and then to keep them on their toes!"

"Okay, I'll change! Just shut up already!" said Ebenezer, but then he grabbed his heart and died of a heart attack. The workers were released and got paid workman's compensation and now live in the mother's house. Tiny Wrath came in and said "Excuse me, everyone." And blew a hole in the house.

Epilogue:

"Here's your payments along with a Christmas bonus! Have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, Feliz Navidad, Happy Kwanza and all that jazz to my readers!" waved kittypirate17 at her audience. She then left in a hurry to go do something. Edward accepted the envelope and opened it. It didn't seem like it had been tampered with, and there was extra money in it for the bonus. Along with a letter: Merry Christmas to my cast, and this time it is real money. Enjoy the holidays and Happy New Year. Love always, kittypirate17.


	8. The Three Little Kittens

The Three Little Kittens

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA

A/N: I declare January 23 Fanfiction Writer Appreciation Day!

Prologue:

For the first time in months, kittypirate17 was smiling from ear to ear. "Good news all! We are doing The Three Little Kittens nursery rhyme today! Isn't that great?" She bear hugged Alphonse and Edward hard so the couldn't breathe. "Oh sorry!" she said as she let go of them. "I'm in a great mood since my last update!"

Edward and Alphonse rubbed their necks and sighed "At least you are not manic depressive." Suggested Edward. "Hey thanks for actually paying us last time." He smiled.

She smiled back and said "Hey it was Christmas! I couldn't do anything with out feeling bad about it." She had cast her gaze downward and added "I am so sorry for all those horrible things that I made you do with no pay." She actually got down on her hands and knees and begged for forgiveness. Edward and Alphonse looked at each other and Alphonse bent down to lift her chin.

"No need to bow to us. We are fictional characters and you are a real person who hides behind a username. Fanfiction writers give fictional characters a purpose after the book or show ends." Edward picks her up off the ground and they both swarm her with hugs.

"Thank you." She said as she dusted herself off and dug into her bag and got out the cast list for the story. It reads:

Kitten #1: Young Edward

Kitten#2: Young Alphonse

Kitten#3: Young Winry

Mother Cat: Riza Hawkeye

Special Guest???

"Let us begin!" said kittypirate17

"And how do you suppose that the Young us will come to be?" said a confused Winry from the corner of the room. She had been there for only a few minutes and had not seen what had been going on with the boys and the writer.

"How good of you to ask!" said kittypirate17 as she took out a hose filled with water from the Fountain of Youth and sprayed them from head to toe. They all shrunk to chibi form and they had lost their ability to speak properly. What I mean by that is that they could not speak without adding "w" sounds where "r" sounds should be. Also, where "t" sounds should be, the "d" sounds came out. "L" sounds came out as "w" sounds. However, they still thought like adults and they still had the hormones raging just as if they were still teenagers.

Winry's little eyes were wide and her face was red with anger. "You widdle bitch!" she waddled over to kittypirate17 and kicked her in the shins. Kittypirate17 felt the blows with much pain, but she took them in silence.

Story:

The three little kittens looked frantically for their mittens all around the house. They checked their drawers, their closets, under the furniture, on the refrigerator, on the couch, in the file cabinets, in the office. Kitten#1 flipped over the furniture while Kitten#2 got down on his hands and knees to look in the small spaces where his siblings could not go. Kitten#3 took off to the basement. Soon, Mother Cat was finished cleaning the laundry and she asked her kittens "Kittens, what troubles you so?"

The three little kittens stood in a line and their six eyes were filled with tears that just would not fall. "Oh Moder dear, see here see here, our middens we have wost." The three little kittens were trembling.

Mother Cat looked at her kittens with a straight face and said "Lost your mittens? You naughty kittens." She had gotten a devious smile on her face as she cocked the military standard issue handgun with one hand and the trigger finger in the shooting position. "Now you will have to die!" she cackled and took aim.

Then, Seras Victoria appeared and preformed a police style submission maneuver. She had locked Riza's hands behind her head and placed her right arm around Riza's neck and used her free hand to stabilize Riza's hands so that she would not be able to break the hold so easily. "Master is not going to like this, Kitty." She said speaking of her master Alucard in a fearful tone.

"Not to worry, Miss Victoria. I asked Sir Integra if I could borrow you for a while. She agreed on the condition that I would not kill you off." The writer had assured her that she would not kill off the draculina. "You are here to help me keep order and when you complete your mission I will return you in better shape than you came to me."

"Right." She smiled and then turned her attention to Riza. "You are not going to attempt anything like THAT again. Do you understand me, Miss Hawkeye?"

Riza struggled and grunted "Very well." Seras had released her grip and Riza struggled to regain her composure. "Lost your mittens? You naughty kittens. Now you can't have any pie."

The shaken kittens had hung their heads low and said quivering "Meow, meow, meow, meow, now we can't have any pie." They marched into their mother's room and sat on the bed. Kitten #1 had noticed that this was the only room in the house that they had not checked and he motioned the others to look around. Kitten #2 had looked in the closet, Kitten #3 had looked in the drawers and Kitten #1 looked by the telephone in the room.

Kitten #3 had first found her mother's panty drawer, only to find seven pairs of panties. She had found some things called "pads" and "tampons" next to the panties. No mittens there, so she looked through the other drawers. She picked up the small plastic tube that had a switch. She turned it on and it began rapidly vibrating. She looked at the writing it had written on it and said it aloud "Pocket Wocket." Winry cringed as she saw her pair of mittens directly under the Pocket Rocket.

Kitten #2 had thrown all of his mother's clothes onto the bed, and in the very back of the closet, he had found a medium sized box. He had it in both hands and read the writing aloud to his siblings. "Infwatable Woy Musdang. Bwow him up and he will bwing fandasies come twue." He spared them the details, when he read where you had to blow up the inflatable man at. Underneath the inflatable man, was his pair of gloves, and he looked at them with disgust. He reluctantly picked them up with his thumb and pointer finger and put them on.

Kitten #1 had found his mittens directly on the table next to the phone, and inside of them he found a piece of paper that had an unknown number on it. He picked up the phone and dialed the number to see what it was. Edward was surprised to hear his father's voice on the other line say in a provocative tone of voice "I am wearing a leopard print man thong, and the leopard is up and rising."

"DAD?!" shouted Edward into the telephone.

"EDWARD?!" shouted Hoenheim on the other side of the line "What are you doing calling a talk dirty number?!" he demanded.

"What are you doing working for a talk dirty number?!" he shot back.

"Never mind me! You are grounded young man!"

"Damn you Old Man!"

The three little kittens had marched out of her room with traumatized looks and chanted in unison "Oh Moder dear see here see here, our mittens we have found." They showed the mittens on their hands.

Mother Cat beamed and smiled a wide smile and said "You found your mittens, you good little kittens, now you may have some pie." She had sliced off some pie for her kittens and placed them in front of the salivating kittens.

They dug into the pie with their mittens and when they were done they looked at the mittens with despair. "Oh Moder dear see here see here, our middens we have soiled."

"Soiled your mittens? You naughty kittens. Now you may not go out and play." She said.

"Meow, meow, meow, meow, now we can't go out and play." They walked out to the back yard and saw an old fashioned wash bucket with a wash comb. They all looked at each other and smiled as they thought of the same idea. They all ran to the bucket and started washing their mittens. Kitten #2 had reached to the very bottom of the bucket and pulled up a T-shirt that had been forgotten by their mother. It had something written on it that made the children even more traumatized. It reads: Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me. So pull me up and tie me down and tell me how you like me.

They quickly finished washing their mittens and rung them out on the lawn. They ran into the house where they found their mother. "Oh Moder dear see here see here our mittens we have washed." They presented their newly clean mittens to their mother.

"Washed your mittens, you good little kittens, you may go out and play." She sighed with relief and waved with exhaustion. She flopped down on the couch and went straight to sleep.

"Yay! Now we can go out and play!" they all said in unison and ran out the door to the local park.

Epilogue:

"Well that was fun!" said Alphonse as he and Edward exchanged noogies. "Now how do we get back to teenagers?"

"Like this!" said kittypirate17 as she pushed them into a pool filled with normal water. Edward and Winry grabbed a hold of her arms and pulled her into the pool with them. When they all came up for air, they were all laughing. Seras was waiting on the edge for kittypirate17 to swim up to her. "You did a great job! Thank you so much!"

"It was no problem at all!" she said "I will be sure to give your thanks to Sir Integra too!" she said as she boarded the helicopter piloted by Walter. They took off and the four were left alone in the pool.

"Your payments are in my pants in my room on the bed. I will go and get them." She lifted herself out of the pool and ran up the stairs and got the money. She came back down and said "Here you go…" but nobody was there, and water stains were all over the floor with a note that read: You do not need to pay us. We only ask for your kindness and friendship. Love always, Ed, Al, and Winry.


End file.
